It’s not uncommon to think that seeking couples counseling is admitting defeat — that if you aren’t figuring it out on your own, then you must not be right for one another or you have already collectively and/or individually failed love. I say, that’s good ol’ stinkin’ thinkin’ (the dreaded triple apostrophe!): by which I mean, a way of thinking that at once makes you feel bad and keeps you stuck in feeling bad.
No matter how much you love each other or how good you are at relationships, you can only be you; you can not be an outside perspective. Plus, most of us could use a little help noticing and understanding our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, patterns, and all the complicated interactions with our partner’s thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and patterns. It’s a lot! So you might turn that stinkin’ thinkin’ on its head and entertain the notion that those who are meant for each other and definitely not failing love, might embrace a way to see things and each other more clearly, and generate more good feelings and satisfying experiences.
Then there is floating this idea to your partner. Many people fear that suggesting couples therapy might be perceived as an accusation or an aforementioned declaration of defeat or even rejection. Here are some strategies you might flag for yourself when broaching the topic:
1. The Dynamic Duo: “Us” and “We”
You have probably heard of the value of making “I” statements (and the problems that ensue when adhering to the letter of the law over the spirit, with statements like, “I feel like you are an assh*le.”) To avoid this pitfall, try adding “us” to the mix, and opt for “we” over “you”.
For example: “I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed by how we‘ve been navigating disagreements lately, and I would really like us to find new ways to connect and understand each other. I think therapy could help us with that.”
2. Contrary to Popular Parlance There are 2 “I”s in “Team” (and Often 4 Eyes!)
Emphasize that you want to start couples counseling as a team, that you care deeply for your partner, and you want to focus on the positive outcomes you hope to achieve together. Research suggests that couples who proactively seek therapy, even when issues are not severe, often experience greater satisfaction and longevity in their relationships.1
Try: “We have so much going for us. I love you, and our relationship is really important to me. I envision a future where we both feel really supported and celebrated and seen, and we are working together to build the lives we want. I want to start couples counseling so we can go farther faster.”
3. Take it Easy. Don’t Make it an Ultimatum!
Demands often trigger resistance. Most people don’t respond positively when they feel threatened or pressured or like they are being forced into making a choice (which doesn’t feel like a choice at all). Conversely, gentle inquiries often invite participation. You may get agreement in both scenarios, but you’ll be in a much better position if your partner is set up to participate rather than feeling compelled to do so, which may bring anger, resentment, or defensiveness from the get-go. When people feel they have a choice, they are more internally motivated to cooperate.
Something like: “Would you be open to trying couples counseling?” or “What do you think about starting couples counseling? I think it would really help us with (something important to both you and your partner, i.e., a shared goal).”
4. Share the Power!
No one wants to be dragged somewhere without their input. You want your partner to be an active participant, not a passive subject.
Try: “I’m happy to research a few therapists, but I’d really like your input. Would you rather look together, or would you prefer me to find three options and you pick which one looks best?”
5. Get Your Foot in the Door
When suggesting something that may feel big, intimidating, or time-consuming, it can be useful to offer a small “starter” action first. Oftentimes, once someone says yes to the small thing, they feel committed to the task and the larger request feels less jarring. Possible “starters”: google searching together, reviewing schedules for possible meeting times, attending free consultations, writing out a pros and cons sheet together, “spitballing” 3 goals you might share for couples counseling.
For example: “How about we try a free consultation and see what we think?”
6. Choose the Right Time and Place
Bringing up a significant topic like couples therapy requires a calm and private environment. Avoid discussing it during an argument, when you’re both stressed, or when one of you is distracted or engaged in something else. Avoid texting it or bringing it up in front of others.
7. Address the Fear!
Your partner (and you) may be worried about a number of things when considering couples therapy. That is super normal and not a bad thing! And it is ok to address it. First things first: find out which fears are at play (they won’t be the same for everybody) and then talk over how to address those fears honestly.
Something like: “I wonder if you are worried about anything about couples counseling. I can offer that I’m afraid about (your fears). I wonder if we could troubleshoot my fears, and then I am also really interested in what you may be worried about and how we could address that.”
1Roddy, M. K., Walsh, L. M., Rothman, K., Hatch, S. G., & Doss, B. D. (2020). Meta-analysis of couple therapy: Effects across outcomes, designs, timeframes, and other moderators. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 88(7), 583–596. https://doi.org/10.1037/ccp0000514
