For many, Thanksgiving is a time for family, friends, food, and joy.
For others, it might as well be the beaches of Normandy during D-Day.
And if you’re feeling more like the latter going into the holidays, maybe it’s time to get serious about your plans to survive the festivities unscathed.
Let’s learn together how to gaslight, gatekeep, and girlboss your way through the holidays.
Gaslight
(… but not in the sense of psychological abuse and manipulation.)
While I would never openly condone the practice of gaslighting others, I invite you to consider the power in gaslighting yourself. I’m technically talking about reframing cognitive distortions but doesn’t “gaslighting yourself” sound so much more intriguing and fun?
In the same way that gaslighting involves manipulating the truth and reality, you can harness this same power for your own benefit. Negative self-talk inevitably becomes significantly amplified in stressful situations… like during a Thanksgiving dinner with some people you would be more than happy to not share a bloodline with.
Going into the holidays, you may be experiencing negative distortions like:
“I look so much worse than I did last year.”
“Everybody is going to talk about me struggling to find a job.”
“People are going to misgender me again because they don’t care to respect my gender identity.”
In an effort to check these negative thoughts and avoid rabbit holes, consider “gaslighting” or challenging the reality of your inner-critic! The great thing about your own inner-critic is that its existence implies that you also have an inner-superfan! When the negative self-talk shows up at the door like everyone’s least favorite relative, consider tapping into your inner-superfan and allowing yourself to challenge these distortions:
“I look worse than I did last year.”
- “Nobody is thinking that. I love this outfit and my body looks good in it. Why else would I spend next week’s paycheck on it?”
“Everybody is going to talk about me struggling to find a job.”
- “I’m not struggling to find a job. I’m doing my best in a highly volatile and competitive job market right now, and it’s only a matter of time ’til I find the dream job that I deserve.”
“People are going to misgender me again because they don’t care to respect my gender identity.”
- “My loved ones misgendering me doesn’t always mean they don’t care. I am confident in my identity and the people who matter will correct themselves if I communicate that this is important to me.”
Gatekeep
(… but not in the sense of controlling access dependent on worthiness.)
I confess, I will gatekeep my favorite hole-in-the-wall restaurants and cafes in an ongoing and incredibly selfish effort to keep lines short and reservations available (sorry to my Yelp and Beli followers). Nobody’s perfect!
In respect to the context of holiday festivities, I’m talking about gatekeeping something far more precious: your peace of mind.
If your Thanksgiving dinners look like the “Fishes” episode from Season 2 of The Bear, consider selectively using the practice of gatekeeping.
Got a family member who has some questionable political views? Don’t lie — one name (or many) just popped into your head, right? I get it. Them saying something out of line may be a chance to be the social justice warrior you always dreamed of being, but I beg of you to ask yourself: “When has interacting with this person during a holiday dinner ever gone well?” before you unleash upon them all the facts and statistics you’ve been collecting for weeks for this exact moment.
It is important to stand up for your values and challenge authority, but is verbally dueling your family members over rapidly cooling turkey and 4 glasses of wine really the most diplomatic approach? Consider “gatekeeping” all of those reads and debates for a more conducive time… like post-dessert when the living room couch becomes a group sedative. Sure half the room might nod off as you rattle off the research, but hey, at least nobody is throwing cutlery around!
Your values, thoughts, and opinions are sacred. Treat them as such! The same way you might gatekeep your favorites in an effort for them to retain their worth to you, perhaps we can also apply this concept to our own values, thoughts, and opinions. Just because they are your relatives, does not mean they are entitled to your peace.
Again, I want to reiterate that I am not encouraging you to be noncommunicative about your thoughts, feelings and values. I am encouraging you to consider that there is an opportune time and place for it. There is no weakness in taking a beat to read the room and first assessing if it is a safe space to share your thoughts and feelings over a particular issue.
Girlboss
(… in the most gender-neutral, racially equitable way)
The holidays are an opportunity for connection, joy, and rest. Unfortunately it’s not always up to us…or is it?
Holiday gatherings often devolve into highly stressful times because of one simple concept: control.
Think about it.
How many times have you changed your holiday outfit in same day in an effort to curb uncomfortable comments or looks? In a sense, your decision to change outfits could very well be an effort to control people’s perception of you.
Or have you ever specifically set up seating arrangements to avoid certain family members sitting near one another? Yup. That’s control again!
As humans, we have a primal instinct to engage in behaviors to protect ourselves. We also naturally engage in behaviors to protect our nervous system from dysregulation. Unfortunately, more often than not, these unconscious behaviors may actually exacerbate or create new symptoms of dysregulation. When we assign satisfaction to specific outcomes, we create the dangerous potential for negative emotions when these outcomes don’t come to pass.
While it may seem like the most girlboss thing to do is to run a tight ship during the holidays, at the end of the day, people are going to be who they are, say what they want to say, and do what they’re gonna do. It’s inevitable.
Consider instead that the most girlboss thing you can do is to unburden yourself of the need to control outcomes and others. Focus on what you can control: your own thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. And even then, give yourself grace when you can’t.
